Vague Rememberance: Rendezvous

He gently put his palm on her head, stroking it tenderly. She smiled a smile that always seemed to calm his feelings. They sat down, eyes locked to each other, recalling the time they first laid eyes on each other on that warm summer unexpected night.

"Do you still remember the day we first met?"
"Are you kidding me? Like who could forget" (laughs)
"Do you regret that moment?"
"Not at all. Why should I?"
"With all the pain that I've caused. All the times I've let you down"
"I wouldn't trade it for anything else"
"But do you still feel the same way?"
"About what?"
"About us. Where we've come till now"
"Well feelings change, we change, and sometimes you just can't be the same person all over again"
"Do you think we have another chance at this?"
"Are you saying you're going to give it another try?"
"Would you let me?"
"Do you really need the permission?"
"I feel like I do but I honestly have no clue"
"Have you tried asking yourself the same question? Would you let yourself do that?"
"I don't know"
"You wouldn't be if you we're sure about this in the first place"

He took her hand and grasped it tight. But she knew they had to eventually let go. Even though that part of her deep within refused to agree.

Vague Rememberance: Premonition

She sat down, sipped on a cup of coffee while staring into a soul she once knew so well.

"Has it ever crossed your mind. Letting someone else in?"
"What do you mean?"
"Having someone new come along and spark a fire right there"
(Silence)
"Well.. I don't know. Why are you curious all of a sudden?"
"Just wanted to make sure"
"Of what?"
"That there wouldn't be any space left for all of that"
"At the end of the day we all have our reasons, right?"
"No, we end up making up those reasons"
"What's with you all of a sudden? Are you okay?"
"Does it matter?"
"You have a mouth to speak and a heart to decide, so let's just leave that there"

She gazes into his eyes and the heartbeat once so loud, slowly fades away. It was even bitter than the coffee she'd ordered left empty.

Selfish Thoughts

She's selfish. She wants to be selfish. She can't be selfish. Can she?

***

I've always discovered this simple satisfaction scrolling through daily doses of life-thoughts on Thought Catalog throughout these past years. I'd call it my own run-to mindful space since way back—I can't precisely remember when. It's been this oasis of mind-opening realistic thoughts, a treadmill of reminders and at the same time the soul-soother needed at the right time of the day.

Many pieces have left deep understandings and eye-opening realizations. From self-motivation, wisdom, knowledge, heart tuggers, experiences, personal rants, post-heartbreak healers to the things you sometimes can't express with words, but they successfully do and you just fall in love with it.

But one that quite left a mark on me a few days ago was a piece written by Marisa Donnelly titled, "You Won’t Find Yourself Unless You Allow Yourself To Be Selfish" which you can read here .

At this stage of life, I kind of find myself asking what the heck am I doing? Where do I really want to be? What do I want to do? What do I need to do? And boy, that becomes a hard topic to discuss even in my own head. Then comes along this topic of selfishness as an ingredient of being able to find yourself. And then you just snap and go, yeah true. Touche. Indeed. It hit me right there.

Selfish, is that adjective we all take differently. Strangely at this moment in life, this word is one I find indescribable and complex right now.

You know when I ask myself, am I selfish. At times, I really am. Perhaps, more of selfish with a spoonful of hard-headed thoughts. But in a way I've always been the type to set away the selfish side and opt for an all-in choice for all, which still makes me happy. I guess, in terms of self-development, I havn't quite been selfish enough for my own sake. There's still times when I contemplate on decisions based on whats seems right at that moment, without considering my own importance and more to the point of understanding a certain condition. And sometimes you don't realize it until it happens, and it kinda sucks.

Well, I don't really know what being selfish truly means. But I do know it can bring something good at times. Certain minds grasp the idea of selfish through a negative perspective. As an individual, clearly everyone has their portion of selfishness expressed intentionally or unintended. But not many realize that the idea of being selfish doesn't always refer between you and a certain person. But more towards being selfish of, and for yourself.

And I guess I havn't been selfish enough for, and towards myself.

To be selfish, in this case isn't being selfish towards someone, for someone or against someone. But more of being selfish for the sake of yourself. Having the opinion to say what you need to say. Feel what you need to feel and choose what you feel is best despite other people's two cents. And with that, not feeling guilty of letting yourself down.

And I agree with Donnelly's thoughts which boldy states, "To be selfish means to know who you are as a person and what you need. It means taking the time to do things that you want to do."

Being selfish means letting yourself have your own say in what you think is best for yourself. Eventhough you end up in the wrong state, it doesn't become useless, it becomes an experience and a valuable lesson.

Consider selfish like listening to your favorite song. You listen to it because you simply like it. Some share the idea. Some keep it to themsleves. If other people don't like it then who cares because your the one with the ears listening to it. And even one day when you start disliking the music, well it's just as simple as turning it off and not listening to it again. No need of other people's acceptance for that. Because you're the one who knows how it feels when you listen to it or not. And if it makes you happy whichever way, then why all the fuss?

Selfish means able to speak your mind and not feel gak-enak about it. Selfish can be the moment you choose to let yourself pull away from the things you once cherished just so you can give yourself a chance to think things all over again, maybe surprisingly with a clearer state of mind. It can mean letting yourself drift away from people and let you reach closer to your creator and life that surrounds it.

Even sparing time to do what you love becomes a form of selfishness turned into that self-appreciation. Whether it's sparing several hours a week to work out and excercise or have coffee-time alone at a cozy coffee shop. Or even spend your weekend sleeping in just because you feel like it. Everyone has their own ways.

Selfish can mean sacrificing time and the things you usually won't, to explore a better part within because all along you've been battling a silent war between your mind and your own heart. Being selfish might be hard, might be easy, depending on the way we express and perceive it. I guess there's nothing wrong with being selfish when you know that it's creating a feel-good impact within, and as long as it's used wisely.

Ask Yourself, What Do You Really Need to Complain About?

She sees one or two a day. A complaint in various ways. Something she believes uneccesary for a person that has so much to be blessed about in life. Though it makes her sick seeing what she sees, she wonders, why so many complaints and not enough gratefulness and hearts at ease. Life could use some blessed souls.

***

I was raised in a family that taught me to appreciate everything I have in life and not take those things for granted, even the smallest details. Like Papa always says, we have lots of reasons to feel blessed whatever the circumstance. And that's something I truly believe in and what I try my best to apply on a daily basis point of view until today.

Mama, on the other hand always completes that statement by reminding that everything happens for a reason, and that reason will one day lead to something good or something even better in store. Just a few of so many life advices from two of the most amazing-hearted souls. The ones I really look up to in life. The ones that rarely complain about what they go through even at times when they stumble upon a bump along the road.

There's always a continuity of reminders for me to look at others who might not be as fortunate and always feel grateful for what I already own in life. Also, to look on the brighter side of everything and grab a good lesson out of it. Simply, to be grateful and feel blessed in any way.

Despite that, I won't be a hypocrite and say I don't complain about certain moments in life. Because I do. And I guess everyone does at certain points. But honestly it gets quite annoying seeing such an amount of people that complain way too much on social terms. It tends to become more of a habit and sadly for some, ways to seek virtual attention. Even when you know it has nothing to do whatsoever with you and it's purely none of your business either, the worst part is that sometimes, someone's complaints can take a toll on you.

It questions that part of humanity people store in their hearts. It makes you think of how that old man you meet on the street, who walks miles everyday under such heat or trickles of rain, just to sell what he has to feed his family for the night, but still manages to put on a wide smile and pinch a little happiness out of a hard day.

But instead, you bump along to people you know or strangers along the way, complaining about the things that just make you go "Geez, like seriously?"

Take time to casually ask yourself, what is it that you really need to complain about, with all the things you already have in life? You go to sleep on something decent. You wake up knowing you have a purpose. You eat more than you can feed. You're physically still functioning. You have a roof under your head. And that list of unrecognized blessings just goes on....

Or are you constantly complaining because you feel like you have no one there for you? Well maybe it's life's way of saying you need to make a better version of yourself and at the same time make a better vertical connection between you and God. Because you can't blame others for that. It's something that comes from within. Something only you know how to deal with.

It might sound heaps easy to say or type. But seriously, take your time to see the good things out of a bad situation. It'll make you feel heaps better and not blame whatever situation you're going through. This topic would surely need more pages and chapters. But let's just say that next time you feel like complaining, think of all the other reasons why you don't need to complain. And if you feel you've complained too much in the past, it's always better to  start fresh late, rather than never. A good change always deserves another chance.

Don't Let Them Let You

She cared too much. She loved too deep. But what did she get? A stack of feelings which pulled her back and broke her apart finding it hard to see clearly....

***

There should be no place for people to step on your heart and leave you a scar or feel unappreciated in any way. To take control of yourself might be easy to say yet hard to do. But as you face the things you do in life, you find a way of getting there.

Most have probably been in that kind of state where you unconditionally accept the things you actually have an option for saying no to. The times where you stay in a certain zone that lets you flow with other people's mind but then make you forget your own. You drift into the dimension where you do you what you feel is right for others and sacrifice the chance to speak up because all you want to do is make them feel happy, loved and appreciated.

Like loving someone too deep that you eventually become blinded along the way. You let them grip your heart and control it in whatsoever way. You set your own feelings to a certain stance where you can no longer compromise with logic because the heart plays too much of a role. You consider everything becoming okay that you let that significant other do what they think is okay, and make you feel that it's just a normal feeling. Which obviously isn't.

Perhaps those pop-up people that run back and forth in your life only when they feel the need to. The ones that don't consider your presence. The ones that use you in vague or even obvious ways. You know the difference. It might be what other people do, but don't let that become you.

For most, it's part of the process of finding what you believe is true. For seeking those inner thoughts within.

It took me ages to learn to let myself appreciate me as a person - me as myself. To appreciate my own thoughts, my heart and the options I have. Though it's been quite a process, I'm slowly getting there. I've been able to say what I like and what I don't. And I guess it simply starts from there.

Don't welcome negativity in your heart and at the same time don't let yourself feel unappreciated. Put on a shield and block all that from entering. Know where you stand and never let other people put you down. Don't let them infect the positivity your willing to build in yourself. But in terms of that, still do your best to deliver what's good for yourself and others around you.

Appreciate your own being by letting yourself choose what you feel is best. By saying goodbye to what makes you feel like rubbish. By leaving the things that make your bright days dull.

There's more to life. More reasons to wake up in the morning and feel blessed that you have a whole day coming up ahead waiting for it to be filled with splendid moments. When you feel like situations are starting to put you down, don't let them. Because you have that option, in your mind and your heart. It's hard to do, but you'll eventually get there.

Well Hello There, I'm Back!

After more than three years leaving this blog to rust, Khairiyah Sartika-the-lazy-procrastinator has finally made her random decision to continue what she actually started with passion. Yeah, writing, blabbering and letting out all sorts of whatevers that pop out of her random mind for her own sake of ventilating, storing words and memories, also re-nourishing her goldfish memory.......

***

Exactly why now, I don't really know. But the urge to keep writing (out of daily professional purposes) has always had me tugging back and forth to come back here and start writing again. I contemplated a few times on getting this blog active again due to the fact that Twitter, Instagram and Path caught more of my daily attention. But there always comes that time when you just feel like pouring all these things you have swirling in your head, and then it just goes to waste because you just can't be bothered. And a platform like this is close to perfecto.

But when you come to think of it again in another perspective, in five or ten years time, the things you write down today, one day become great source of reminders, flashback moments and something to cherish for a lifetime. And as a bonus, perhaps becomes a piece that someone can casually read with their own state of mind.

As for today, reading what I've been writing these past years have become quite interesting actually. Some I don't even remember happening eventually become reminders of moments forgotten in the past. Some I can laugh to and some to reminisce about all over again. But that's what I kinda mean.

You write because you want to. Whatever outcome it brings later on, well that's a part of what you reap after you've planted.

I don't know what i'm really trying to say, but hey Tick-Tack-Talk is FINALLY back *Cheers* ♥

A Few of The Best Around, in Ups & Downs

@Congo Restaurant, Dago, Bandung

@Universitas Padjadjaran, Jatinangor

@Munchies Bistro, Gandaria City, Jakarta

Super blessed to have them ♥

Life's lesson(s)

These past months have been full of ups and downs, smiles and frowns. And one thing I really learnt was the art of gain and loss. You know, when you gain something then you lose another or it's vice versa. You see, these previous periods have been surprisingly special yet at the same time extraordinary in a way.
Well, everyone has a past and there's always a story behind it and whatever happened with that chapter now has to go in the memory box, good or bad, positive or negative, love or dislike. Lock it up and let life go it's way and once in a while peek a little to remember and learn from those moments. To be honest yes it did hurt and I acted like everything was okay. To put a smile on my face and walk around was easy but deep down no one knew. And now I know what that kind of loss feels like. A loss of intimacy, friendship and of course, feelings - Thank God I dealt with it well. God answered a little prayer. Certain ones came along - either say it a coincidence or acciddent (though there are no acciddents in life) but things and situations finally lead to an enlightment, maybe for me, it was my Renaissance.

From that cycle I knew and realized.. Yes, loss was painful and it's a thing we never want it to happen but you gotta deal with the fact that you will and how you're gonna cope with it. Either a family member, friend, lover, pet, or anything. Eventually you'll know what you were fighting for and not regret anything about it but keep the memories as a life lesson to take with you through the days ahead.

No pain, no gain? Right? No? Yes? For me, aha yep. Pain led me to a state where I had time to think about things. Make better use of time, work harder in certain aspects, appreciate the work of maintaining and just let things flow. I gained many things and I thank God for every single little thing including a special enlightment in my present days, someone really special now. God, just full of surprises.

So gain and loss is like you and your wardrobe. You lose, donate, throw out a few clothes out though it's hard to chose which ones, either feel good about it or instead regret and sook about it. But then maybe someone will pop up and send you a present, maybe you'll plan to go on a shopping day with your friends or maybe you might just start some DIY's and upgrade a few old shirts - if you get the point. Gain and loss is a part of life, like it or not, it's how you deal with it that'll make you feel a thousand times better. And hopefully each gain, each loss gives a positive effect in our lives :)

Wouldn't this be nice :)

"A hug is a handshake from the heart. A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me..."

Half past three rubbish

As usual, can't sleep. Get back to sleep that is. This time due to the blackout that went on for hours. Fell asleep feeling not too well after a neverending meeting. My body hasn't been compromising with me lately, don't know why? Thank god for family, friends, music and a lil dose of "enlightment & encouragement" from anonymous.

I've been getting so much wake up calls these past periods. Most about uni & studies. And heaps about life & love. This semester is really packed and I'm still not sure about the credits I'm taking. Last semester I kinda said to myself to hold back and decrease orgs and getting involved in events, but it seems I can't keep my own words for that. Hope things just go with the flow and turn out okay.

My mind has been split into branches and I somehow can't focus on one spot. I really want & need a getaway, perhaps for a year or two. Somewhere different. New atmosphere, new experience.

Really miss a rub on the head from Mama when I'm not feeling okay. Miss their presence. A lot.

Carnival?

The only line I can't stop singing to "I will never know if you will never show..."

There's just something wrong

I don't know, is it only me or what but there's something really wrong with the laws and institutions in this country. Too many if i would start but lately on television it's been full of Ariel's case towards his pornography tape. I'm not a fan of him or his band to say all this but it's ironic if you think about it.

Many people have made their own judgement through personal point of views. I don't know why I even bother, but I have my own.

Our country's to busy dealing with cases that aren't necessary - to expose this much either eventhough his status as a singer. Okay, pornography? Destroying the generation? So? Isn't there loads more of it on the internet? By a click, kids can access whatever content from whatever site consisting whatever contents. Is this case the only problem? Is it that big of a threat compared to those 24/7 accessible sites? What happened to the other "film makers" including government ministers, actors and other usual daily people. Did they even end up in jail? Or did they even get to sit in that single chair in court? What if it wasn't a lead singer of a band that had his videos stolen. Would the world care? I could say, it's actually not fair.

There's thousands more things that the government and court can get going with. Why not take Nurdin Halid out of his seat. It's obvious enough that he's got a lot of problems that are affecting the development of our country especially through the aspect and development of sports here. Why not chase down Gayus Tambunan and find out the price of the wig he's wearing to those different cities he's on "vacation" to, with whose money he's using. Try figuring out those rats that are destroying our country, eating off the money we pay to the government. Where do the stacks of Rupiahs and Dollars end up?

It's ironic. But too bad, the government has too much concern on things like this and all I can do is sit here and criticize.

Hey hooo-li-days

A month off from uni has actually been really awesome! Enjoying things a lot spending it with the ones I love full time. It's really been about catching up. Quality time with the best company - family, close friends, high school besties at comfy places, talking about life till late hours almost every night, laughing about almost everything. When I'm not out I'll be baby sitting the lil kiddos and teaching them this and that :)

I Learnt a lot of things, experienced new stuff. I even got to meet Vrischa - like after 10 years we havn't met! It was really good seeing her again :)

Despite the wonderful holidays, I really wanna get back to Jatinangor. I miss my friends there a lot. I miss my dorm. I actually miss campus and class. And I miss one other thing as well. Can't wait to get back to uni asap but the other half of my head wants a longer holiday. Another week left. I dunno wether I want it to end or not. Even if there is a reason why I do.

We should close our eyes and ask ourselves

"Even if you feel like you’re not getting anywhere,
Always keep your head up high!
It’s a genesis, we’re in a genesis..."

You should've closed your eyes to what you thought you were seeing. Running on the spot with burden on these shoulders. Trying to act okay thought it doesn't really help neither of us.

Things happen for a reason

It's cliche but I know it's true. Sometimes I wonder about a lot of things when I'm unable to get myself to sleep, which I blame the internet connection at most times and late night convos. You know, sometimes after a hectic day you end up gazing through could'ves and would'ves which expand through your head and make you start questioning heaps of things. Why this, why that bla bla bla... But as I learn, things really do happen for certain reasons. Theres always the first line that starts the sketch. Maybe you wonder "Why did I have to meet this person?" and times when you'd say "Why is this happening to me?" or "Why am I here?" or "Can't time tick slower/faster!" and all those big question marks and exclamations. It depends on how we define and face things in different situations. You can't get everything you want but if it is yours to be, then it'll eventually come to you in it's own way, yours to have.
At this point, I'm defining my own situation. Thinking things over and working through why the heck this is happening. Maybe what's happening now is the result of my weakness towards saying "no". Maybe the "nggak enak" feeling that hits me all the time, always gets me ending up confused and tangled in my own tied up threads. Things don't happen just by a finger click and voila! There's a reason why I'm going over this, again and again. And for this case, it's me. My unability. Perhaps incapability of doing so. And I hate it cos I still have a hard time fighting it. Turns out, it acts as a boomerang towards you, towards me...

Books that caught my eye

Strolling down some aisles, I came across a few interesting books to put on my list of got-to-gets/got-to-read:

●The Zahir - Paulo Coelho
●Dewey - The small town library cat who touched the world
●The Greatest Philosophers
●Where Did noah Park the Ark
●The Travel Book - A journey through every country in the world
●In our time - Hywell Williams

Dreaming away

Anyone know anybody who can define dreams? I've been having the same dream of the same person for the last three days. This hasn't happened once. A while ago, it was the same person but four days straight also. Weird enough for me. Now all that's left of it is curiosity. Why? One word. Unexpectable.

He keeps popping in my not-so-real world as the nicest guy on earth with the most generous heart. Though we actually do know each other in real life, hellos when we pass, few times talked, one or two things happened, seen in the virtual world, but it gets way different in those dreams. It's ain't a big deal really, but what's with the continuity and dreamline? Ergh, god knows. What I know, it's got me smiling everytime I get up :|

A superimposed letter to God

Dear God,
Wassup? I've been wanting to write to you for a long time and now here I am without a paper and a pen - just my heart, head and the keyboard. I've got so much things to say, so many pleads to ask for and heaps of questions why. I know I'm supposed to meet you five times everyday of my life. But all I can say is sorry, at most times I still don't. I realize that what I get is based on what you give but I still skip those days without any mumbles of thanking you.

To be honest, I'm not the kind who fulfills the everyday routines though I do try my best to. Mum and Dad had always taught me things about you eversince the first use of my five senses. I grew with you guiding me eventhough I forgot about you at a lot of times and points in life. Usually when I'm at the lowest point in life, I'd come running to you in tears. But I feel ashame that whenever things are going all okay, I tend to forget - even sometimes pretend you're not there. If we were to be described as the friend to friend type, then surely... I am the worst friend you could ever have. But in this case, I'm not a perfect being. I've got more designs and angel scribbles on my left rather than my right.
Surely you'd know there are many things that if I could ask for, I would. But I live in reality - not that place where you end up when you fall asleep and don't want to wake up because it's just too good to realize it's not true. My simplest plead would be for you to love, care, guide, protect the people among me who I love the most and bless them a healthy, wealthy and wise life. Without mentioning, you would know who I mean. Family, friends, relatives, the whole lot. Make them happy in any way you can. At least that's what I'd want for them, dear God.

Ehm. Question. Wait. I have stacks of them. Why? What if? How? Would you? Could you? And thousands more along with the fill in the blanks. Sometimes I even go way over the limit and question your presence because sometimes my common sense doesn't make sense at all. I know it's wrong and again all I might be able to express is an apology. Again. Sigh.
Not enough thanks in the world to thank you. You've made it clear. I'm working on things now. Hopefully.
God, thanks for making things happen. I'll learn from it eventually.

Love these people!

No words can express how grateful I am to have you guys.
Dhea Amanda Rustam, Christiana Arizon, Kharisma Tri Andini, Tentry Yudvi Dian Utami, Aditya Sasmita, Yan Wahyudi :) Best laughter and company! Good times and bad. Thank you waaaay too much <3

So we're getting close

To the end of the year, that is. Too much to comment about 2010 whereas I could say "This is my settling year" Means, settling through conditions, life and love. Getting used to what's been happening in the family, uni, friends, relationship, society and such. It's been a great year I could say!
For the upcoming year, I guess I won't be making the usual resolution list like I usually do. It's kinda useless in a way because they never seem to work out for me. Probably the hardest would always be the procrastinating issues - surely the hardest thing to get over with each year.
I got my 2011 hopes in mind and I'd rather let things go with the flow. Get what I need, when I can. Go where I want, when I want to. Be with the people who can make me feel like myself. Enjoy things as they are. It'd be way better!
Many unforgettable moments will always remain in this short-term memory of mine. Ones too good to be true. Ones filled up with tears. Unstoppable laughter, continuing pain. The feeling of comfort, friendship, like, love and connections all rounded up with smiles and frowns. Dissapointment towards myself, friends and situations. But what happens, happens and that makes it all a part of experience and learning. Too many people to thank that I know of, that have filled up almost 365 days of this year with joy and tears of laughter.
Simply hope for a better year ahead for myself, the fambam, friends, this nation and everyone I know. Healthier, wealthier and wiser :)
Thanks for the memories, 2010!
xoxo Make the best of each day ahead!