Vague Rememberance: Rendezvous

He gently put his palm on her head, stroking it tenderly. She smiled a smile that always seemed to calm his feelings. They sat down, eyes locked to each other, recalling the time they first laid eyes on each other on that warm summer unexpected night.

"Do you still remember the day we first met?"
"Are you kidding me? Like who could forget" (laughs)
"Do you regret that moment?"
"Not at all. Why should I?"
"With all the pain that I've caused. All the times I've let you down"
"I wouldn't trade it for anything else"
"But do you still feel the same way?"
"About what?"
"About us. Where we've come till now"
"Well feelings change, we change, and sometimes you just can't be the same person all over again"
"Do you think we have another chance at this?"
"Are you saying you're going to give it another try?"
"Would you let me?"
"Do you really need the permission?"
"I feel like I do but I honestly have no clue"
"Have you tried asking yourself the same question? Would you let yourself do that?"
"I don't know"
"You wouldn't be if you we're sure about this in the first place"

He took her hand and grasped it tight. But she knew they had to eventually let go. Even though that part of her deep within refused to agree.

Vague Rememberance: Premonition

She sat down, sipped on a cup of coffee while staring into a soul she once knew so well.

"Has it ever crossed your mind. Letting someone else in?"
"What do you mean?"
"Having someone new come along and spark a fire right there"
(Silence)
"Well.. I don't know. Why are you curious all of a sudden?"
"Just wanted to make sure"
"Of what?"
"That there wouldn't be any space left for all of that"
"At the end of the day we all have our reasons, right?"
"No, we end up making up those reasons"
"What's with you all of a sudden? Are you okay?"
"Does it matter?"
"You have a mouth to speak and a heart to decide, so let's just leave that there"

She gazes into his eyes and the heartbeat once so loud, slowly fades away. It was even bitter than the coffee she'd ordered left empty.

Selfish Thoughts

She's selfish. She wants to be selfish. She can't be selfish. Can she?

***

I've always discovered this simple satisfaction scrolling through daily doses of life-thoughts on Thought Catalog throughout these past years. I'd call it my own run-to mindful space since way back—I can't precisely remember when. It's been this oasis of mind-opening realistic thoughts, a treadmill of reminders and at the same time the soul-soother needed at the right time of the day.

Many pieces have left deep understandings and eye-opening realizations. From self-motivation, wisdom, knowledge, heart tuggers, experiences, personal rants, post-heartbreak healers to the things you sometimes can't express with words, but they successfully do and you just fall in love with it.

But one that quite left a mark on me a few days ago was a piece written by Marisa Donnelly titled, "You Won’t Find Yourself Unless You Allow Yourself To Be Selfish" which you can read here .

At this stage of life, I kind of find myself asking what the heck am I doing? Where do I really want to be? What do I want to do? What do I need to do? And boy, that becomes a hard topic to discuss even in my own head. Then comes along this topic of selfishness as an ingredient of being able to find yourself. And then you just snap and go, yeah true. Touche. Indeed. It hit me right there.

Selfish, is that adjective we all take differently. Strangely at this moment in life, this word is one I find indescribable and complex right now.

You know when I ask myself, am I selfish. At times, I really am. Perhaps, more of selfish with a spoonful of hard-headed thoughts. But in a way I've always been the type to set away the selfish side and opt for an all-in choice for all, which still makes me happy. I guess, in terms of self-development, I havn't quite been selfish enough for my own sake. There's still times when I contemplate on decisions based on whats seems right at that moment, without considering my own importance and more to the point of understanding a certain condition. And sometimes you don't realize it until it happens, and it kinda sucks.

Well, I don't really know what being selfish truly means. But I do know it can bring something good at times. Certain minds grasp the idea of selfish through a negative perspective. As an individual, clearly everyone has their portion of selfishness expressed intentionally or unintended. But not many realize that the idea of being selfish doesn't always refer between you and a certain person. But more towards being selfish of, and for yourself.

And I guess I havn't been selfish enough for, and towards myself.

To be selfish, in this case isn't being selfish towards someone, for someone or against someone. But more of being selfish for the sake of yourself. Having the opinion to say what you need to say. Feel what you need to feel and choose what you feel is best despite other people's two cents. And with that, not feeling guilty of letting yourself down.

And I agree with Donnelly's thoughts which boldy states, "To be selfish means to know who you are as a person and what you need. It means taking the time to do things that you want to do."

Being selfish means letting yourself have your own say in what you think is best for yourself. Eventhough you end up in the wrong state, it doesn't become useless, it becomes an experience and a valuable lesson.

Consider selfish like listening to your favorite song. You listen to it because you simply like it. Some share the idea. Some keep it to themsleves. If other people don't like it then who cares because your the one with the ears listening to it. And even one day when you start disliking the music, well it's just as simple as turning it off and not listening to it again. No need of other people's acceptance for that. Because you're the one who knows how it feels when you listen to it or not. And if it makes you happy whichever way, then why all the fuss?

Selfish means able to speak your mind and not feel gak-enak about it. Selfish can be the moment you choose to let yourself pull away from the things you once cherished just so you can give yourself a chance to think things all over again, maybe surprisingly with a clearer state of mind. It can mean letting yourself drift away from people and let you reach closer to your creator and life that surrounds it.

Even sparing time to do what you love becomes a form of selfishness turned into that self-appreciation. Whether it's sparing several hours a week to work out and excercise or have coffee-time alone at a cozy coffee shop. Or even spend your weekend sleeping in just because you feel like it. Everyone has their own ways.

Selfish can mean sacrificing time and the things you usually won't, to explore a better part within because all along you've been battling a silent war between your mind and your own heart. Being selfish might be hard, might be easy, depending on the way we express and perceive it. I guess there's nothing wrong with being selfish when you know that it's creating a feel-good impact within, and as long as it's used wisely.